This is how we break it down. [entries|friends|calendar] Brooke Atwood [ website | Myspace ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[15 May 2008|07:12pm] [ mood | pissed off ] everyone should really grow some fucking balls and have the decency to say things to my face. im always made out to be some sort of arrogant, shit talking bitch and it seems to me as if people's perceptions of me are based on faulty perceptions of who i am and how i act. fuck everyone's fake bullshit. im tired of being the only person i know humane enough to speak to someone face to face when i have a problem. too bad everyone else can't get to that level. 1 slit | cut me.

life [30 Apr 2008|01:09am] is fucking exhausting. i hate the fucking tri met system at night..i hate missing the bus and waiting over an hour for one in the cold. i hate bills and money. i hate love and I hate women. I hate feeling this lonely. 2 slits | cut me.

[28 Apr 2008|10:17am] i dont know how to feel about people anymore..almost certainly brogan has a problem with me that she wont talk to me about..even after we had a few talks abotu how i feel like people misinterpret my intentions and think im someone i just AM NOT. and we cried... I don't know..it's just really a fucking bummer when you feel like the people around you are just being nice toyour face and you hear that they say negative things about you..but never confront you. I'm too confrontational of a person for that shit and I know that people have their own ways of expressing themselves and most people really don't like to confront me because they think that my character= i'm going to flip out on them or chew their head off which is not the case at all as many of my closer friends can attest to. I'm approachable and easy to talk to, but I'm not a fucking mind reader..and I'm tired of hearing people call me a bitch for telling them to respect my home, or for whatever other petty reason that is not good enough for them to grow up and talk to me about it. Maryjane has hurt my feelings pretty badly at this point to..She doesn't care either..I'm a pro by now at getting myself into shitty situations like this one. I don't know what to do..I guess the best thing to do would be to hide my feelings for her and try to make them go away.. She's not talking to me though, because once again, ignoring people and problems OBVIOUSLY ultimately makes them go away.....not. I don't know..I have no love in my life it feels like sometimes..and i know i have friends that love me..but sometimes it doesnt feel like it..and sometimes i feel like i just have no one..and i dont know what to think..because if i think too hard it only gets worse. My brain is boggled right now. I have to go to the bank with Paul to figure out if he's in debt -$140...or if the bank fucked up....hopefully the bank will give him back his money so he can pay rent.I dont know why he can't just go himself. I need to sleep..but no one can do shit by themselves so I need to wake up and fucking baby him..I just wish people could be on the same level as me with taking care of themselves because I can't do this for much longer.. I don't know if I'm going to want to live here for much longer to be completely honest. cut me.

ugh. [07 Apr 2008|07:09pm] so i just looked at siobhans friends list and looked at audreys old post. she said some mean shit about me..its crazy how someone who barely even fucking shows any emotion towards you can be so fucking upset or hurt by the dumbest shit. she never once told me anything positive about myself. and that was really great given the time i dated her..i was at my worst emotionally..and she made me feel like a piece of trash. she never cared about me..and didnt tell me i took her virginity..and then was the meanest person to me ever even when i tried to say i was sorry for a bunch of shit she wouldnt even talk to me about. today i also found out the autry posted only what i said to her in our fight. of course it sounds like im a fucking horrible person if you only look at what i said...she forgot to mention that she said "i never considered you a close friend. i dont know why you want to be my friend so badly anyway..i used to have to tell you to stop calling you used to call me so much"...how someone could say such fucked up shit and play the victim is completely beyond me. fucking bitch. i feel like i have no friends..and that my heart is just a broken piece of shit..i just want to fucking date someone who will be nice to be..damn. thats all i want. im not a fucking dick. i am a good girlfriend and i dont have to convince myself of that because i know its true. for whatever reason girls just love to treat me like shit and i dont know what to do about it. i refuse to be disrespectful. fuck people. im beginning to feel like quarantining myself again..i hate everyone and i hate myself for being so easily walked on.. the house is clean finally..i met a new girl. she's pretty and makes me smie big..but im wondering how long it will be before she thinks i suck too. she doesnt want anything serious and i guess i dont either..i really just want to be held. it feels so wonderful to be kissed again and held ... i feel like crying every five minutes..i cant stop feeling like this..and its because my life is still a wreck. my house burnt down in nj..i still cat even fully conceptualize the fact that my mom and brother are homeless.. i feel rotten. inside and out. cut me.

[23 Feb 2008|09:58pm] im sick. and im tired. i made a vagina light shade thing today. my portfolio for pnca is going to be okay i think. 1 slit | cut me.

heart is broken. [09 Feb 2008|02:44pm] Megan and I broke up. I wasn't ready. I feel horrible being single. No one ever wants to fucking stay in a relationship with me. 2 slits | cut me.

dear.. [08 Feb 2008|12:52am] Lupe, Montana, Avram, Trevor, Keaton, Rabu, Clovis, Brandon, Phil, and Sam..I miss seeing your faces so fucking much and its only day 4...i have 7 to go and when i get back we should all get silly drunk and dance to hip hop.. I LOVE all of you and hope you are keepin it real and lookin fine like i know you do. And I hope you niggies aren't fucking up the house too much, hope keaton's not jizzing all over my bed, and i hope rabble is no longer projectile pooping onto the white walls in oure house. almost 4 am. sleep now and MEGAN tomorrrrrrrrow. yay. 1 slit | cut me.

new jersey [06 Feb 2008|09:56pm] It's weird here now. I feel like I'm returning to the land of the dead. This is the first time I have returned to New Jersey and have felt like it is no longer my home. I don't live here and I don't want to. Which leaves me torn because I long so badly for some of myfriends that I know are irreplacable. When we were younger we used to talk about going to a place where we could all be free of the bullshit and the strain of life in these NJ suburbs..and live together and grow old and be "happy"..I think Portland is that place...unfortunately only paul and ryan will follow..though I wish Julia and Chloe would too. I love my ACTUAL friends here. They're fucking amazing and they fill a hole in my heart that aches for them when im in Oregon. I don't know how to cope with the fact that they're never going to live close to me again. It makes me very very sad. There are very large holes in my life that I fear cannot be filled. Though Oregon has filled millions of other holes I never knew how to fill before and my Portland friends are holistically more loyal, intelligent, driven, and good for me emotionally..minus a few slipups that have for whatever their reasons may be have discontinued speaking with me. I hate my house here though. It makes me sad. It's filthy. Boxes still to the ceiling. Mom still has sunken eyes and she wears her pain on the outside..she looks sore and broken and it breaks my heart to look at her, and argue with her, and also to feel such repulsion and fear/pain because of the utter destitution of substance, security and love in this house. This is not and was never a fucking HOME. I don't have a home. Hopefully one day I will find it. I feel like an outcast and a loser and I feel ugly. I feel like my girlfriend and I are going to break up and I think my heart is broken completely at this point. I don't know what to do with myself. It's weird. I wasn't this sad until I sat in my room and made me remember high school and how sad I really am altogether. I'm having fun in New Jersey for the most part but I've found my heart racing a lot like im paranoid or scared but I can never really think of why. Mostly it's the pigs busting us for weed and booze..but I know there is something else. I think it's just that I'm scared of life and this place reminds me of what I was trying to get away from and progress onward from and I don't feel like I've made much headway.. I feel like I'm failing and I'm scared. And I really want fucking hot chocolate and someone to hug me and tuck me in. I feel like a childish fool. 8 slits | cut me.

[11 Nov 2007|08:45pm] I'm really sick. At work my job is to put stickers on the books that we receive at Powell's in order for them to be distributed from the warehouse to the actual Powell's stores. This past Thursday I was sent to work in the Returns room where I was assigned teh task of delabling books that had outlived their shelf life in any of the stores, in order to send them back to the publisher for credit. I had to use this shit called "goo gone," a slippery yellow liquid that smelled of chemicals and artificial citrus flavor. Needless to say, 8 hours on Thursday and 3 hours on Friday of using that shit to unstick stickers from books can definitely take a toll on you. I started laughing hysterically to myself about 6 hours into it and then realized that I had gotten myself high off of the stuff. My eyes started to water and of course that resulted in a horrible sickness that overtook my throat and sinuses for the entirety of this weekend. I realized only a few minutes ago that I had not written in this thing for a long while now, and that I am in much need of an outlet right now. I guess this electronic journal will have to do. Hmm. let's see. I've been rather proccupied with the recurring realization that my life and the world around me are changing constantly. It's both overwhelming and unexpected in diffent ways, but I think that some change is good. I'm going to change the school I'm going to which is DEFINITELY a good thing and I've been enlightened with a changed perception of how to surround myself with people that care about me and treat me with respect. But most importantly I think that the best change that has occurred within the past year is my outlook on life and the way I regard myself. Since last year I have changed a lot. I'm no longer as swept up in my emotions as I used to be and I now realize that whoever I was trying to be last year was not at all who I really am. I was hurting so bad last year because I was so unsure of myself and was thrown into a new world of people and experience. I hurt a lot of people along the way and also made some pretty terrible impressions that I still feel embarrassed about. Which reminds me, on a somewhat related note: for some reason I have had recurrent thoughts about my ex-girlfriend Audrey since we broke up. Sometimes the entirety of our relationship seems so vague that I'm not sure if it happened or if I made the entire thing up. I realize that I was a horrible mess when I met her and when she and I had a little fling..and I have been dying to apoligize to her in person and see if there is a way that we could ever be friends. I can't figure out why I even care about this, as I know that she more than likely does not care at all about me, nor does she really care about what happened between us. I guess maybe I just feel like I want a second chance to prove that I'm not the shitty, strange, superficial moron I seemed to be when we hung out. I'm much more muti-dimensional. I care about things. I listen to a lot of music and am interested in listening ot new bands and I care about art and photgraphy. Most importantly I'm not as asshole and I think about things and want to talk to her more than I had. Maybe it doesn't matter, but I really just can't stop thinking about how I can come to reconcile with her. Bah. Oh, and yeah..ha hey world. It's been a while so heres a little about my life right now. I'm not going to school for a year. I'm working at Powell's in the warehouse on NW 16th and Hoyt. I live in a big ol' house in Ne Portland and I'm generally pretty happy with most aspect of my life. I feel like I have no friends at times, but I think that's just my neurotic self. I'm planning on applying to PNCA (Pacific Northwest College of Arts) for next fall and am pretty preoccupied with making my house more homely, rekindling some old friendships that I had thought I might lose altogether, and working my ass off. I'm dating Megan Zak, a beautiful girl I went to high school with and crushed on for about 5 years and it's pretty safe to say that I am in love and very comfortable with her. She definitely saved me from a qhole slew of self-destruction this summer, after having gone through such intense emotional and physical strain all year in portland. She has helped me to regain some confidence in myself that I was lacking and trying to make up for through superficiality and has truly made me remember the joys of living and loving someone. Other than that I've just been reading and thinking a lot. I just wish I had a friend to talk to or something..nothing emo, but just have some talks with whenever I need someone...I still feel like that person is missing. I don't have a best friend anymore. 3 slits | cut me.

[31 Jan 2007|11:19pm] so i've been depressed..well i've been depressed my whole life..but recently I've been very lonely. Paulina called me today. It was the first time I had heard her cry in a very long time. She told me she loved me and begged me to come home so she could sleep in my bed and roll over and wake me up like she used to.. but I can't..so we sobbed together and apologized for the trillionth time. its always the same thing. i also got a phonecall from an unexpected person and it made me very very very very VERY happy. I love her. I can't wait to se eher on Friday. In other news, school sucks. I fucking hate school and always have..so I'm really considering taking a semester off to breathe and figure shit out. I'm not sure though. We'll see. I need to get an apartment or a house with some people...and a FUCKING car. Ugh. Mirah is playing tomorrow in Olympia. I wish I could go. I miss a lot of people..like Autry. I'll call her one of these days and we willl hang out..we're both just busy. I'm sick too..which doesn't help. Yeah so..there's the update. 1 slit | cut me.

[27 Jan 2007|01:15am] I'm a fuck up. Grade A fuck up. I feel so wasted..so used. And maybe everyone is right..I'm just a piece of shit. I used to think that I had all this potential..but now i don't think i'm worth anything. no one wants to be with me..for that long anyway..and i think there's just something wrong with me. there must be. i wish i were strong..i wish i weren't so afraid..but i'm so afraid of life. i want to run away..just get on a train and never come back.. i need to get away..from people..because i just hurt everyone and inevitably hurt myself.. fix me? love me? take me for what i am? you won't. im not worth it. 4 slits | cut me.

[22 Jan 2007|12:14am] I'm really tired. I'm sore. My body aches from life..and I just want to be held. Heather told me a while ago that I had a problem with being held, because I always want to be the protector. Well I feel scared. And I just long to be held. It's been so long. cut me.

i've been thinking [19 Jan 2007|04:30pm] it doesn't matter when you break up with people because atleast while you were dating there was some emotion. emotion, true and sincere emotion is hard to come by, so being bitter after an emotion has passed isn't even worth it. we should all be happy to spend days loving people and learning about new people that come in and out of our lives. i'm sorry for being bitter, audrey. you're a good person and a really sweet girl. i'm glad you tried for a little while. sorry i wasn't what you were looking for. don't think i'm being emo or lame...i mean i am both of those things at times, but i'm just trying to be sincere and express how i truly feel about situations like this. life has some funny episodes. cut me.

[19 Jan 2007|04:27pm] 1 slit | cut me.

[18 Jan 2007|01:45pm] first day of classes...not that bad. soccer for p.e. looks to be fun and probably easy as fuckk..i think the coach might drill me hard though for not ever shoing up to LC tryouts..whatever i'm a soccer player. japanese is pretty hard...especially because they told me i was too advanced for 101 and went right to 102..whatever, if i review i'll be fine i'm sure. i have ceramics from 7 pm til 10 tonight..i don't know how i feel about that...i've heard mixed reviews. tomorrow's friday though..i'm looking forward to the weekend..looks like it should be girlfriend day on friday and time for the escape on saturday. cut me.

[17 Jan 2007|12:20pm] classes are cancelled again today due to the snow. awesome. i wonder if my girlfriend will call me. cut me.

SNOW DAY!! [16 Jan 2007|09:39am] soooo..today is supposed to be the first official day of class....but it's snowing like a motherfucker outside...today is my easy day though..i only have soccer for p.e. and ceramics... but appararently classes are cancelled until 12? whatever. i hate the snow..but awesome! baaaack to bed. oh..p.s. though...i am really realllly sex deprived... This needs to be addressed and fixed soon or im going to go crazy......audrey. cut me.

[14 Jan 2007|11:36pm] i know i shouldn't...but i feel really fucking alone right now. Is there something wrong with me? No? Well then why the fuck do people treat me like they do sometimes..not just any poeple either..the ones that are supposed to mean something..the ones that are supposed to remind me that the world is ever-spinning and we can't do anything to change that and that there is beauty life and so many wonderful things all around us? i need to feel loved..just once..because i'm hurting from what i saw back home..and i'm trying so hard not to just crack. i need to be smothered, kissed, held and slept with tonight..but who knows when that will happen again. i just want things to fix themselves..because i don't know what else i can do.. 1 slit | cut me.

[13 Jan 2007|01:44am] uhh...sike i got a ride from the airport back..and then to audrey. yeah niggas. yeah.doo doo doo doo 1 slit | cut me.

coming back to portland... [13 Jan 2007|12:16am] I leave tomorrow, early for my flight back to Portland...I tried to keep my going away party tonight a dry party..but no one listened..it was really depressing. Paulina came..she breaks my fucking heart everytime I see her..and even more when I don't. I don't think I'll ever recover from her. I'm tired of waiting for her to come around..I know she loves me and I love her back but that's never enough..not in this world. Anyway..I'm excited to see Audrey and all that..but I really don't know how the hell im getting from PDX to my dorm..I have no ride and the buses aren't running to my school tomorrow...that sucks a lot.. I have no money and I don't drive and gahhh..then I don't know how I'm going to get to Audrey..I want to see her really bad tomorrow..to the point that I will pay 20 bucks for a taxi to Pio Square and then take the bus to her..but I'd have to sleep at her house otherwise i dont know where id go..so audrey..if i dont talk to you before tomorroe then work on that for me. 1 slit | cut me.

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